Where's the party?!? RevGalBlogPals Friday Five on Saturday night

Friday Five: Groups

Reverendmother here...

Last night was the second meeting of the Night Owls, a new women's circle at the church I serve. It's a nice group--we're getting to know one another and figuring out the format and flow of the evenings.

Night Owls ... my kind of group, maybe I'll start one at my church.

And speaking of groups...

1. Tell us about any group(s) you currently belong to. (e.g. book club, knitting circle, walking buddies, etc.) Groups to which I belong: small clergy group, Ministerial Association, Jr High Band Boosters, Soccer mom, Emmaus, PTA (at 2 schools), do small group projects for PhD classes count?, online Fantasy Football

2. Do you feel energized or drained by being in a group situation? If the answer is "it depends," on what does it depend? I love groups. I love people. Energized big time. I'm the one that wants to go out to eat after the planned group thing is over 'cause I still have energy and, truth be told, I'm not done being with people yet.

3. Is there a role you naturally find yourself playing in group situations? That is, do you naturally fall into the leader role, or the one who always makes sure the new person feels welcome, or the quiet one who sits back and lets others shine, or the host? I very often end up in a leader role. I also am pretty good at including new folks in the flow of the oldtimers conversatons. On rare occassions, like Halley's commet rare, I'm quiet. But even though I'm not often quiet, I am great at making sure other's shine. For host type activities, I recruit the women of the church 'cause I'm really bad at all that host stuff -- too froo, froo for me.

4. Handshakes vs. hugs: discuss. This is my "it depends" answer. I prefers hugs most of the time but there are a few folks who make me uncomfortable. I try to be sensitive to the preferences of others. And I know that some folks who live alone only get hugged at church. The other thing related to "it depends" is: with Rheumatoid Arthritis, sometimes handshakes hurt my hands terribly.

5. Ice breakers: a playful way to build community in a lighthearted manner, or a complete and utter hell of forced fun and awkwardness? I love ice breakers! I know that is it pure unadulterated hell for some folks but it gives me an excuse to meet them.

Bonus: If you answered "playful and lighthearted," share your favorite ice breaker. My favorite is People Bingo. 24 squares of opportunity for sharing personal trivia and meeting people!

Blessed

So I am so tired from this incredibly full day. But I just have to post this before I go to bed.

I will be 40 in about a month. I really want a party! In Februray, I even put "Vicar's party, FLC" on the church calendar without talking to anyone about it. I really want a party!

So finally in May, I talked to my sister and one of my best friends. My sister is "in" but the friend is overwhelmed with other things. So in August, my sister (who by the way lives out of state) says "get me someone at church. We'll work together and we'll throw you a party." Great! except for the part of me that is so anxious about even thinking about asking anyone at church. Now, I really think there are people who would do that but I've been in churches (yes, more than one) where that would have been one more reason to be ugly. So I'm a little anxious because of past history not because of this church.

During lunch today, with a group that I usually join on Sundays, I finally "laid it on the table." The response was immediate and so positive and one person even said, "You should have said something earlier!" So there are 3 people who are "in" for the party. One of them is out of town right before the event so she said, "I can't really be in charge but I'll help." Little did I know ...

We had the churchwide picnic today. It truly is one of my favorite things at this church. They do a great job of inviting others and including them. There is an egg toss (40 people played), water baloons, volleyball, horseshoes, lots of visiting and a great time. This year the church provided drinks, chicken, and dessert. I sat in on part of the meeting where they planned the food. The dessert was ordered from Costco -- a vanilla cake and a chocolate cake. They called me to the table so I could pray and we could eat. As I got to the table, there was an announcement: The Vicar's going to have a birthday in about a month and we're going to sing happy birthday before she prays. And then they showed me the cakes that both said "Happy Birthday Rev Vicar" with a cool stylized cross and rose.

"I-can't-be-in-charge," who will be out of town in a month, ordered those cakes two weeks ago. They were in the refrigerator at the church even as I finally found just enough courage to ask for help with a party.

God is good. I am blessed.

And we're having a month of partying!

RevGalBlogPals friday five: Boo Boo (as opposed to Bam Bam)

Friday Five: Boo boo alert

After a tumble in a parking lot the other day, I'm sporting a lovely abrasion on my leg--so attractive. It's the same leg I hurt when I fell off the same pair of sandals on the same sort of uneven pavement in Edinburgh last month. Will I ever learn to wear less dangerous shoes and/or pay attention to where I am going? As I drove home to take care of it I called my husband and said, "Boo boo alert!" Here is our Friday Five on that subject.

1) Are you a baby about small injuries?
I happen to have Rheumatoid Arthritis so small injuries are either an annoyance or an injury waiting for a growth spurt.

2) What's the silliest way you have ever hurt yourself? For a period of weeks, there were several times when I was getting something out of the refrigerator part while someone else opened the freezer door above. Raised up and hit my head. Damn that hurts. again. damn.

3) Who took care of your boo-boos when you were a child? my dad

4) Are you a good nurse when others have boo-boos? If it's a real injury/illness, I'm terrific. If you just want attention, I'll give you a phone card to call someone who cares. Unless you confess you just want attention, then I'll give the attention -- just don't mess with me about it. The truth generally works really well on me.

5) What's the worst accidental injury you've suffered? Did it require a trip to the Emergency Room? The worst injury for me was when the cartilage in my "bad" knee was torn for me while playing basketball. I got one of those cards that said, "Go to surgery. Directly to surgery. Do not even bother with the ER. The ER can only drain that knee and say that looks bad while giving you a prescription for pain killers. What you "kneed" is surgery."

training the trainer

So I am 5 classes from finished with coursework for the PhD -- counting the two I'm currently taking. Both of the classes this fall are really Master's level so there's extra work for me. Okay. No big. Both of them are also 100% online. Way cool. Let's me work on school stuff whenever. Even from the church office sometimes.

But one of the classes is requiring me to observe 3 events. Okay, so I jumped on that quick and found events that are free and during school hours. No cost, no childcare. Way cool, again!

The first observation had a small class, maybe 6 of us. The instructor looked very familiar to me. As I'm trying to figure out who she is, I'm also trying not to embarrass myself because I can't think of exactly from where I know her. Turns out we have had several doc classes togther and share the same advisor. Her class was lively, professional, and informative. She did a great job, I wasn't bored, got my certificate. Win all around.

My 2nd observation was today. Not quite the same experience today as the first observation. There were co-trainers. The lead had a very think accent and communicated well anyway. She was appologetic for her accent but I think she was pretty clear. She told about coming to the Training Place a few years ago to learn English and now teaches there. She was professional, on task, good examples, etc. During the break, someone in the bathroom was talking about how hard it was to understand her; I couldn't disagree more. Yes, she had an accent and always said childrens instead of children, but understandable and warm. Good information with personal examples. She seemed approachable and connected with the class.

But the co-trainer. The co-trainer is a social worker and I don't think he had ever taught this before. He referred to a list of feelings on a page he had copied out a book but didn't have copies for everyone and never actually named any feelings! In the midst of saying we need to name our feelings! AUGH! In the face of this incongruity, I was doing everything I could to be quiet. Meanwhile, like a snob, thinking, "I can do better than this."

Then, ... then, ... he said something that I almost couldn't stay quiet for: we should never guilt or shame our children. WHAT? He said it again a slightly different way. Then he said it again. I was silent, at least externally. Then this woman started asking, but really not asking, about how guilt and shame for children comes from Catholics. Okay, silence is now history.

I say something like, "Wait. I think there is a big difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about doing something wrong. Shame is about being wrong. There's a huge difference between choosing the wrong action and being the wrong person. You have to learn to make better choices and there are consequences for bad choices. That's different from being told "you are bad" or "you are an idiot." Those are about who you are not about what you do. Shame is about who you are. Guilt is about what you do. They are very different and I think we need to be careful not to roll them together. And I don't think the Catholics have a lock on any of that. I've seen plenty of folks from all kinds of backgrounds that use shame in a bad way."

The leader guy with the Social Work degree continues with the "we can't guilt or shame our children because it messes them up for life. They won't have a good self-esteem if we guilt and shame them." okay, so my body was still sitting there while my brain went out the door. Just nearly started playing Majong on the PDA. In a communication class, I felt quite unheard.

Now, I'm really clear that shame is inappropriate in raising a kid. I agree that giving messages to kids that tell them they are bad (rather than they are good and made a bad choice) will do serious damage.

But I'm just as clear that a good self-esteem with no guilt looks like some pathologically messed up person who feels no remorse, blames someone else, and is convinced of his/her own brilliance.

well behaved women rarely make history

Here's to making herstory

Governor Anne Richards